The 10 Commandments of the IFB
- Though shalt have no other gods before me or make into thee any graven image – however though mayest hold in high esteem and worship the Independent Fundamental Baptist church and doctrine, and the KJV, and the pastor, oh and missionaries (but only IFB supported missionaries), oh and the mental image of that perfect IFBer who is sinless.
- Though shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain – though mayest not even use “gosh” or “cheese and crackers” because they too closely resemble their vain counter parts.
- Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy by going to church Sunday morning Sunday school, Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, Wednesday night prayer meeting, Thursday evangelism outreach and Saturday morning door to door witnessing. On Sundays though must not do any work on the sabbath day but must sit on the couch and watch football or nap (if you are a man) or cook, clean and care for the children (if you are a lady).
- Honor thy father and thy mother – even if they don’t adopt our authoritarian parenting methods including spanking.
- Though shalt not murder – physically. Character assassinations are ok though.
- Though shalt not commit adultery – unless though art a paster and his secretary or a pastor and the girls in his youth group. Then it’s ok.
- Though shalt not steal – unless though calleth it tithes, offerings, gifts, pastor appreciation offerings, building funds, missions funds, bus ministry funds or another project though hast deemed appropriate to take money from thy congregation.
- Though shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor – except through the proper gossip lines and only if thy motive is so that people can pray for that neighbor.
- Though shalt not covet – unless though art coveting thy neighbor’s new KJV Bible. Gluttony is also ok.
- Though shalt not listen to or sing music other than hymns with only piano and/or organ accompaniment or that which has already been approved such as Ron Hamilton, Frank Garlock, and/or a Majesty Music affiliate or other such Fundamental type music ministry.
- Though shalt dress modestly at all times. “Modest”, however, is defined only by the IFB and no other definition of modest is acceptable.
- Though shalt not be part of the world but ye must be separate from it. Though shalt not even give cause for anyone to even think that though art part of the world in anyway. Though must be completely separate in every way – so much so that though thinketh though art better than everyone else and so out of touch with society in general that though hast no idea what society needs or wants spiritually.
- Though must attend an IFB approved college or Bible Institute for higher learning and ministry preparation.
- Though shalt never be depressed, sad, angry, or experience any other “negative” type emotion.
- Though must never drink alcohol or even think about drinking an alcoholic beverage, going to a liqueur store, bar or restaurant/convenient store that sells alcohol. Using medicine that contains alcohol is OK though, oh and so is vanilla extract.
- Though must strive for perfection in every way.
Yes, I realize there are more than ten but the IFB is allowed to add their own set if rules and laws so it’s OK.